Turning Over a New Leaf

Life is what you make it. Each day is what you make it.

I’ve been reading lots of inspirational quotes online (go ahead – laugh at me if you will), and have decided that moping and whinging about how I’m bored is far from the best way to deal with the situation I’m in. I’ve been looking at it all wrong – this is an opportunity!

An opportunity to read the books I never have time to read, to do writing I don’t usually make time for, to get spend all day in bed watching DVDs if I want to, to knit for my niece. Most people never get a free pass to this kind of laziness! When I look at it that way, I’m lucky, really.

So with that in mind, I’ve set myself a goal: To achieve something every day, and make note of those achievements.

Obviously I have some pretty major physical restrictions which stop me achieving a lot of what I’d like to do (trying not to think about my gym and pool cravings), so I’ll focus on things I can do. My achievements don’t have to be big – doing some work on a review, writing a blog entry, going out somewhere if I’m able to, reading lots of a book... they’re all things which I can (and do) do. But thinking of them as achievements and taking note that I’ve achieved those things will remind me that these days aren’t being wasted.

If I have the right frame of mind, I can make the most of my situation!

Things that make me smile: getting to hang out with Te Huia, having new music to explore and review, being able to lie on my unoperated side in bed for wee spells.

Things that make me frown: not being able to exercise, missing uni and my friends in Auckland.

The Tools of My Trade

I thought that I'd show you guys a bit about how I make things work in my somewhat difficult situation. These are the things I have to use to do things for myself.

Firstly, of course, my crutches.

Not being able to put any weight on my operated leg means I can't walk without 'em! Not even two steps. I will admit to a couple of awkward moments on slippery floors where one has come out from under me, but thus far I've managed to avoid total disaster (falling over)!

Probably my second most used thing - my grabber.

I think it's called an "easy-reach" or something like that, but I like "grabber" better. I'm not meant to bend, reach below my knees, or twist my torso around... so this is used to grab things off the floor, or far away, and I have to use it to get dressed and undressed when pulling things over my feet. Very very handy indeed! Not so handy when it falls on the floor.

The trolley!

I love this thing. Used to cart things from one room to another, as my hands are always full of crutches. Food, drinks, books, computers and cats all get carried on here (my kitten, Patch, loves to take a ride). I just push it out in front of me with my body, feet, or hands in between steps when walking around.

The toilet seat.

Handles needed to get on and off the toilet, cos my other leg and hip are too sore and weak to hold and move my body weight on their own.

Shower bench.

Not being able to bend and such, it's hard to get in and out of our shub shower. On here, I sit on the end, push myself back along it and then (carefully) turn myself around. Downside: I always have one cold side of my body from it not getting much water!

Kitchen stool.

Allows me to sit and prepare things at the bench, or even sit there and eat it. My other hip hurts too much for me to stand in the kitchen with all my weight on it for more than about a minute (bummer). The handles help me get in and out of it.

Entertainment!

To see me through the long dull days stuck at home. Books, DVDs, knitting, a hard drive of movies, and magazines.

Computer, comfy hoody, bed.

Spending waaaaayy too much time on the computer lately, looking at complete crap online. The hoody is a double whammy - snuggly, baggy and comfy for ultimate awesomeness, and also a great shield when certain mothers decide it's a good idea to take pictures when one has just woken up. Bed... no explanation needed. Beds are just awesome, especially when moving's a bit tricky.

The kitten cat - Patch.

Provides snuggles, company and comfort. My adorable wee bunny has no tail cos he's part Manx, but he has heaps of character. He likes feet and shoes, chasing just about anything that moves, and sitting on my chest.

Whinge-o-rama

I've been home from hospital for two weeks now, and I’m definitely feeling a bit captive.

It’s the stupid little stuff that doesn’t even matter, but not being able to do it makes me want to more.

Yesterday it was a really sunny day. I sat in the sun reading my book (I’ve been doing that a lot this week) and thought that what I’d really like is an ice cream or a nice cold drink. But I was home alone so couldn’t go and get one.

I wanted to go to the film festival, but it was on at a cinema with only stair access (their lift was damaged in the earthquake). So I just couldn’t go.

I haven’t even been able to make myself a cup of coffee and carry it to somewhere I can sit and drink it. Or get the margarine from the fridge to the bench to make a sandwich.

I’m so lucky to have people preparing my meals for me, but in honesty I’d love to be able to do it for myself!

Today I got a bit more freedom in the form of a little trolley on wheels, which I can push in front of me, so now I can at least get my coffee to the living room.

They’re silly little things that I can live without and don’t really matter... but it’s very frustrating.

I’m so reliant on other people to take me places or bring me things or carry stuff... my independence seems long gone. I can’t go and see my friends or go out to parties and events people are having. I’m 22 and I have NO social life.

Before you say it, I know it will be worth it in the end. I understand that, and I’m not saying I’d have it differently... but it’s pretty hard to deal with when you’re stuck in it. I can’t wait for the days I look back on now and think about how much better these weeks of pain and frustration made my life in the long run.

On another note: I’ve just finished the good drugs I got from the hospital. I’m now not usually in any pain when I’m still, but the hip still hurts a fair bit when I move it. Back to the codeine, then. But I was on it for so long before my operation that I have such a high tolerance, so I have to take lots and that concerns me. The pain should be getting much better at this point, so hopefully it won’t be an issue for much longer!

What I’ve been doing with my time: reading in the sun, started watching ‘The Wire’ (TV series), heaps of time wasted on 9gag.com, finally did a CD review I should have written ages ago, visits from friends (and even a couple of coffees out!), sad attempts at preparing my own lunch, and Mum took me to see Fran yesterday.

This post has been neither funny nor entertaining – in fact, little more than one big whinge! But I do feel that my frustration is a product of my situation, so should be documented as part of my experience. I am sorry, though. Hopefully next time I’ll be in a better space and back on form.

Cabin Fever

Just a couple of days after posting about what a great hermit I am, cabin fever is definitely setting in.

I don’t even want to do anything exciting, I just want to do things like go to the supermarket, or drive to someone’s house. Even this is, apparently, too much to ask.

It’s alright, only four weeks and three days until I can drive again....   :/

But I’ve been wasting heaps of time on http://9gag.com/ looking at random/funny/cute shit, and signed up for http://pinterest.com/ (so if you have Pinterest, let me know and we can follow each other... and if you don’t, you should, so we can follow each other :D). Both thanks to Jhovaan!

Also, one of my all-time favourites, 27b/6 gave me the gift of a new post yesterday. Pretty much how to annoy your co-workers 101. Check it out here: http://www.27bslash6.com/f26a.html and then read all the rest of his stuff. He’s hilarious.

Dillon’s also introduced me to an awesome cartoon, Archer: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Archer_(TV_series) which is really funny and you should watch it. All of you. Especially Liam, I think you would like it. Kicks adult swim’s ass.

Anybody reading this, you should visit me. We should maybe drive some place. I like my house but I’m getting heartily sick of spending all my time in it!

I’M BORED.

Recloose

I’m pretty co-dependent, so I always thought I’d be a terrible hermit.

Turns out, as long as I have my computer, a good book and some knitting (and the occasional visitor) I’m all good.

My sister’s having a baby at the start of October, and I was given pretty clear instructions that I would knit something for my new niece while I was incapacitated. So a couple of weeks ago Mum taught me how to knit, and I’ve been going strong on a wee practise piece for a while. Last night I started the real thing.

Nine rows in and I’m awesome.

I’m also getting really into my book, A Game of Thrones.

I watched Hall Pass (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0480687/) – unsurprisingly, not worth it. Don’t bother. Probably not even if you’re bored and have nothing else to do. Luckily I knitted while watching, so the time wasn’t completely wasted.

Things which are making me laugh online:

27b/6 (http://www.27bslash6.com/)

The Oatmeal (http://theoatmeal.com/)

StumbleUpon (http://www.stumbleupon.com/home/)

College Humour (http://www.collegehumor.com/)

In surgery related news, I can feel myself getting a little better and a little stronger each day. Having had my leg all chopped up, it’s now very weak, and I can’t actually do a lot with it. But I can now lift it onto the foot rest by muscle (instead of using my pants to lift it!). I was rather proud.

There’s snow everywhere, but Mum managed to clear the path to get me out to the car this morning, and I got to go for a coffee – breaking my hermit lifestyle. Enough excitement for one day, back to the solitary life for me. Where did I put my knitting?

Learnings

When on crutches, resourcefulness is key.

Here are some things I've learned:

- It IS possible to carry some small/light things, if you can tuck them under your arm, hang them from your fingers, or hold them in your teeth.

- If you just sit on a towel for long enough after a shower, your legs and feet drip dry themselves, and you don't have to get someone else to do it. 

- Excess material of baggy pants can be used to successfully lift and move weak legs.

I have a lot of spare time, so it’s a good thing I have the delightful company of my mother, her partner, and other occasional guests to spend it with. When not being busy being delightful myself, this is what I’ve been enjoying:

- Hamish and Andy’s Gap Year – TV Show (http://www.hamishandandy.com/gap-year-tv/). Funny Australians, who would’ve thought? They’re entertaining though, as they explore the US.

- Raising Hope – TV Show (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1615919/). It’s an American sit com so it’s hardly intellectually stimulating, but perfect mindless entertainment for the permanently tired (ie me) and a bit off-beat.

- A Game of Thrones – The Book (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Game_of_Thrones). My awesome brother and sister sent this to me from Australia. Only started it today but I’m enjoying it thus far! It seems to be a sort of fantasy exploration of politics between and within groups of rulers, would-be rulers, and their subjects.

Looking to discover some great new music – no longer working at a music store after four and a half years is taking its toll! All suggestions welcome :)

The week that was

Due to feeling lots like ass and being in lots of pain, I've been super slack in updating actual happenings. Lots to share – what a week!

Monday was surgery day. Admitted at 7am and seen by anaesthetists and surgeons before going into theatre around 8.30. I thought I was going to be a nervous wreck but I was actually really calm and excited about it. Probably because I was completely unaware of the post-op horror that was to come. I had a spinal block anaesthetic thing, with some spinal morphine, and a sedative – I was very adamant that I would have no idea what was happening to me at any point! I did wake up at one stage, had a wee chat with the anaesthetist while he put me back out, as I listened to distant hammering noises which I was vaguely aware was to do with what they were doing to me. Didn’t bother me at the time though! Woke up at the end before they had taken me out of the theatre and thought I was alright... I wasn’t in much pain at all.

This stage was deceptive.

As the spinal morphine wore off, intense pain, nausea and dizziness spread through my system. I felt HORRIBLE. On Monday night I wanted to die. There was lots of morphine because of the crazy pain and such. To be honest I don’t actually remember much of Monday. I’d rather forget. It’s all some kind of hellish blur. But I spent the night in the Special Care Unit not sleeping.

Tuesday was not much better. People wanted me to move and every time I did I swear a fairy died. An unpleasant trainee nurse bathed me badly and I think I was equally as unpleasant back. I had an x-ray to check that my joint was in the right place – this involved being forced to get myself off the bed and walk with crutches about three steps to the other bed. It hurt so bad I screamed and cried. My saving grace through my time at the SCU was a nurse whose name was Lisa. She reprimanded anyone who was too tough with me and held my hand, came with me to x-ray and generally had my back. That woman was an angel.

Having thrown up during the night and then again following my poor attempt at breakfast, I wasn’t feeling my best for my move to the Surgical Orthopaedic Ward. I don’t even really remember that afternoon. By this time I had given up all embarrassment at people having to lift my ass to slip a bed pan under me, and then taking my pee away. I even got a reputation as having an impressive bladder capacity that I’ll admit to being a little bit proud of. I loved my visit from my Jessie Potato on Tuesday. Had my Mama Bear and Dad in, too. They came in every day, providing me with general awesomeness.

Wednesday I got up for the first time since the x-ray, walked myself to the toilet. I even had a shower, which greatly improved my frame of mind. This coincided with them taking me off morphine. Subsequent pain from inferior drugs did not improve my frame of mind. Emma came to see me with James, who had great fun with my grabber thing. To anybody that visited me: you made hospital far more bearable. Thank you!

Thursday was a bit great in many ways. Despite still struggling with pain and nausea, I had lots of visitors: Aunty Rozi, Tina, Jono, Dad and Irene, Jessie and Jordyn, and my Ma. Also managed to get myself out of bed, to the toilet and back into bed without any help. I never thought at 22 I’d be so proud to pee unaided. 

On Thursday I also got to stop using the bloody foot pumps. I hate those things with every fibre of my being. They are these things they wrap around your feet which puff up every few seconds to stimulate blood flow in your feet to prevent blood clots from not moving. I understand the necessity of something like this, but they are horrible. I had terrible pain right up my legs from cramping or DVT or something, and every time they went off it would shoot this pain up my leg. I blame this for a large part of the reason I barely slept in hospital. Had visits from Occupational Therapists and Physios who got me moving around and trying new things - painful but productive. OH ALSO Jean arrived on Thursday. What Joy! A Bright spark in an otherwise dim world... *cough*. Thursday night was my first night without foot pumps and HOLY JESUS I SLEPT SO MUCH BETTER.

And Friday – home! Dad and Irene were amazingly accommodating and had set up the back seat for me to lie my leg out straight, as well as figuring out the least bumpy route home. They gave me gifts and had baking and cooking for me - I was so spoiled! So good to be home but things are much harder here than they are in hospital. The nurses’ job was to run around after me, but it isn’t my mothers. She is wonderful, despite being sick, and does everything I ask her to but I feel bad and am doing as much for myself as I can (probably for the best anyway, and challenging my problem solving skills at times!). Things aren’t as handy here but I’m managing. My other hip is getting worse as it’s put under so much pressure from taking all my weight as I become increasingly mobile. I can’t wait to have it done and for this to be all over, but I’m not looking forward to a repeat of the difficult week I’ve had. It has been harder than I could have imagined. Worth it in the end, I know, but seriously... This whole thing will make me a stronger person I have no doubts!

Stuff that's tops: sleeping in my own bed, postal gifts from my brother and sister in Aussie, my entire family and friends for being amazing.

Stuff that's dumb: the difficulty of trying not to let your pants fall down to your ankles when you pee so that you can pull them up without breaking the rule of not bending over, not being able to get comfortable in bed.

Home day!

Cos I'm such a flash guy and I'm so good at things like being able to get out of bed and go to the bathroom all by myself, I get to go home today. So excited!
I'll probably miss Jean though. She's SUPER.

She's actually 80.

I've somewhat luxuriously spent the last two nights in hospital with a room to myself. I love it, not least because it means I'm not pissing somebody off with the TV or anything like that.
But today I got a room buddy. Her name's Jean and she's 80. For real. She's on hip replacement number 2.

And she talks CONSTANTLY. She's lovely and all that but man, shut up!!!

Slackery

So I've been in hospital for four days and I still haven't posted. My bad.

To be honest I've spent most of the time feeling like ass and just don't care enough to do it.

Lots of pain. Lots of nausea. Lots of sleeping (but lots of not getting enough sleep at night!)

Will post all about it when I'm feeling a bit more on top of things.

Things that are tops: Visitors, gifts, playlists at 3am, finally being able to go to the toilet by myself.

Things that are a bit ass: Pain, nausea, not being able to eat delicious treats, having to call someone and wait when you drop your conditioner in the shower cos you can't pick it up.

T-10 hours

Hospital admission in 10 hours.

Very very excited.

Also rather anxious.

Stay tuned for morphine induced updates!

Introduction to my shitty disease

When I was in preschool I was diagnosed with Perthes Disease. From what I’ve read around one in 17,000 kids get Perthes, and of those 4 out of 5 are boys. Of all that get it only 7% get it in both hips. I was a girl that got it in both hips – lucky me! It meant that the ball of my hip joint was deteriorating, causing it to flatten instead of being round. When I was young this caused me a lot of pain, and the doctors monitored it but I never received any treatment (although my siblings took great pleasure in complaining about the special treatment I apparently received because of it!). Over time the pain lessened, and when I was about seven they stopped monitoring me, presumably because they thought I’d got better. I thought I was better too, and from that time on I had a pain-free childhood and adolescence doing all the normal kid stuff.

I moved to Auckland and began studying for a Bachelor of Communications with a Radio major at AUT. Then when I was 20 one of my hips started hurting again. I went through all the usual things, thinking I’d pulled a muscle or pinched a nerve, but when it still hurt a month later I went to the doctor, who ordered x-rays. The x-ray showed that my hips were still the wrong shape – the x-ray tech was even kind enough to let me know my hips were the worst she’d ever seen! They thought there might be an infection in my joint so I was sent to the ER and ended up in Auckland hospital for the next five days while they prodded and poked and scanned me. The heartless head of Orthopaedics casually told me that the Perthes caused me to have degenerative arthritis and I would just have to live with the constant chronic pain, and sent me home with a walking stick and codeine – his indefinite plan. At subsequent meetings he told me that I was simply too young to have a hip replacement (something I assured him I had no desire to have, but I had no desire to live in pain either) so he would be doing nothing.

When my pain continued and showed no signs of letting up six months later, I sought a second opinion in Christchurch. With my family here, it’s where I’d want to be for any surgery anyway. Paul Armour, too, was reluctant to replace my hip and sought other options. Consulting with other doctors, he looked into reconstruction and experimental surgeries, but in the end concluded that my hips were just too stuffed for any of it to work. All the while, my other hip was getting sorer, too. And I was getting angry, frustrated, depressed, anxious, and bloody sick of being medicated all the time. But I continued my studies and worked as much as I was able.

Now, 18 months later, I’m finally getting what I need. The hip replacement I was denied what seems like an eternity ago. I’ve put my studies on hold and moved home to Christchurch. On Monday I begin the journey. After I’ve recovered from this op my surgeon has agreed to do something about my other hip, too, so it’s a long road ahead but it will be worth it.

Things that are tops: Catching up with old friends, baking rhubarb cake, iPod on shuffle.

Things that a bit suck: Frosty Christchurch temperatures, 7am admission time.